Phil's kidneys are gay. Gayer than Maverick. They are two meaty globes of homosexuality that are eating away at Phil from the inside and causing him to go vegan. He's even on dialysis, girliest of all life-saving measures. His transformation into a 70 year old woman is chronicled in some detail, and we help as much as we can. We started a collection when he was in the hospital but in true Khakain fashion we didn't buy anything by the time he got out. Most recently, Nick Nack has offered up one of his kidneys in a transplant. While I don't recommend the mixing of Khakainer and Emo blood, Phil would agree that being part-emo is an acceptable alternative to being a gay dead guy.

Recruiting friends and significant others has been a fairly reliable recruitment method for Khakain over the years. There may be no better example of this than the arrival of Keiran in 2004. Also known as Luke 2, the then boyfriend of Lorli-Chan burst onto the scene with his Vega costume in full swing. A cosplay pro, Keiran fit right into the Khakain mold. His ever-changing hair and facial hair styles, funny macros, frequent typos, charming and outlandish personality, and enthusiasm for all things Khakain encapsulates much of what the community is about. Keiran has provided countless memories in teamspeak and ventrilo, PGF chats, numerous Boardcons and Westcons, and above all on Khakain; the part of the Internet it seems he was born to inhabit. PUT IT IN YOUR ASS.

In July 2006 Joe picked up his guitar, opened up notepad, and began working on The Khakain Song, a then 5 minute partially improvised song based on the board members of Khakain. The simple track including only vocals and acoustic guitar was not expected to resonate. It did. People seemed to enjoy the references and nostalgic vibe enough that the song wasn’t relegated to the recesses of Joe’s hard drive. Lines involving Dallas’ shit fetish, Video Gamer X murdering people, and bombastic ass brace became instant classics in the hearts of many-a Khakainer. One year later Joe provided a live performance at Boardcon Chicago, helping to further cement the song’s relevance. In time the song underwent two revisions, each adding more member references and content on top of the original lyrics. The second revision saw the song top out at over 7 minutes long. Many board members have yet to be included, which suggests perhaps another revision is not far off.

As with the great battle of Tini vs Tini (in which Tinister discovered five years of friendship cannot win public opinion over a pair of knockers) The merging of Khakain and Squirtle had another wrinkle in nomenclature. Without nomenclature, we may as well be living in caves. Dave, proud Khakainer and confirmed Canadian, had to contend with David, famous and universally beloved Squirtle and He Who Exclaims. David, his hubris knowing no limit, challenged Dave to a hotdog eating contest, only to find Dave was a goddamned master at sucking down tube-shaped meat. David claims he made a video in retaliation but left the lens cap on or somesuch nonsense. He was forever condemned to the moniker of Watermelon, but never lost his constant smile.

Here's something we don't see every day; a Khakainer on national television! Kitchen Nightmares is a show where Gordon Ramsay descends on a restaurant and yells at the chef until they make more money. The Secret Garden, a very dirty and old restaurant needed his limey help, but the network would not film the illegal immigrants that ran the kitchen. Heckle was called up to fill in and ended up being the underdog hero of the episode, scheming to and eventually succeeding in dethroning the hubristic Michelle. He didn't give any shout outs, but he was reportedly high as a kite so I'll let that slide.

So, way back on echelon, messages were pruned off after 100 threads, and that was just the norm. Then we moved to EZboard, and it let us keep everything. And that's better, right? It cuts down on the revisionism, and it's fun to see what we were talking about several years ago, just in general. EZboard, of course, was very shitty, and eventually became a breeding ground for viruses. I saved all the threads in the Hall of Fame, and a few others. Coch had saved a few more threads, from even earlier. That was the start of the Vault, which has grown considerably. It's a pretty mundane thing to add to the list, and it's not like there was a big event where I went "And now...THE VAULT IS LIVE" and there was confetti everywhere and we partied in the street. But the point is, because of the Vault, we have a record of posts made by ourselves dating back to 1999, and there are not many places that can claim that.

RPG Maker games! You know, those things where someone uploads a demo, of which two people can get to work, and then the full game is never heard from again. Well, Dunk broke the trend by actually releasing a full game. It was short and it was lazy and the difficulty curve made no sense, but it was a complete world, our entire history translated into a fantasy setting. Max Fichtl was the ultimate, unknowable evil, Reitz was the level-headed hero, Who Cares was a ninja, Zman became his own grandpa and everything was a hoax. It has served as an inspiration for other (unreleased but non-canceled!) games to this day.

Originally formed during a raid of Habbo Hotel, the impromptu name has come to represent Khakain's "trolling" division. Whenever some of us go out into the internet looking for trouble, we do it under the banner of the Knights now. Unlike other troll groups, the Knights have a knack for making friends everywhere they go. We typically find a board straining under the weight of oppressive staff, enlist the help of a staff member sympathetic to our cause, and create havoc, making friends of the staff member and all his friends. ZRPG, ZU, Emo Khakain and RPG-Town all happened in this fashion. Each victory only adds to our vesatility, and aside from genuine hackers and criminals the Knights are considered one of the preeminent chaotic groups on the net.

In our most bizarre nightmares, we never could have predicted this happening. Instinctively to protect his precious son/daughter's new life choice, Mrs. Fichtl descended on the board. When she first arrived there was a certain amount of tension. Would she be a total drama llama and chastise us for making fun of her poor boy? Would she get into a drawn-out argument with Fichtl over something trivial, insisting they keep in on the board? Would she stab us? Sadly, none of these things happened. She came by only to have us remove a URL we had on the wiki. Her little life story did offer a little insight, though. She types EXACTLY like VGX. Mr. Fichtl was way more entertaining, but he was fake.

In March 2005, Dunkinbean decided it was time to stop living a lie. He officially came out of the closet: he was a furfag and loved furry tail. He began posting threads on Fridays with varying subject lines that contained a large number of furry art presumably plucked from 4chan and other lesser traveled corners of the Internet. From then on Friday became known as Furry Friday on Khakain. Over time the threads became more agitating and deceiving; they often included music, loaded very slowly, sometimes were disguised under a different username, or didn’t appear at all. Spinoff threads have appeared over the years as a homage to Furry Friday including Caturday, Football Monday, Duckday Monday, Azuma Wednesday and Fat Tuesday. Furry Friday is a mainstay of modern day Khakain and will remain a tradition until we’re all dead or converted.