Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 12:12 pm Post subject: Because I'm fucking bored: The Board Productions: Spiderjizz
*fancy (read:tacky porno) CGI intro."
14 year old voice: Who am I? Are you sure you want to know? Who am I talking to? I don't know the answer to any of these questions.
*cut to close up of my face looking into the distance in typical movie epicness (read: clicheness)*
Male Voice: That's who I WAS. Beater Barker. Intelligent, outcast, and sharply dressed.
*zoom out, shows me in jeans and a Dark Side of the Moon tshirt stained with peanut butter and jelly, staring into a TV playing Pokemon Stadium*
BB: But now, I don't know who I am. Ever since the day that would change my life forever.
*fade out, words on screen appear, "8:30 AM, Monday". Shows me, same clothes, sleeping. An alarm goes off.*
*fade out, "9:30 AM, Monday", same scene"*
*fade out, "11:45am, Monday", same scene. A rock is thrown at my head from off screen*
BB: Fuck, what?
*typical wake up scene, gets up, scratches at crotch, heads for computer*
BB: Ugh...
*scrolls through endless porn sites*
BB(narrator): A wise man once told me that porn is like glasses. Sometimes you need a stronger prescription. My stronger prescription?
*cut to window, pointed at a female porn star getting out of the shower*
Narrator: Her. Billie -Jean Twatson. The girl next door.
*cut to me staring lustily out the window, apparently furiously shaking something offscreen*
*porno music as it cuts between the chick doing various pornographic after-shower activities and me shaking something*
Robotic voice: You've been idle for about 3 human minutes!
*spray of foam, reveals me shaking a can of sprite*
BB: Fucking AOL...
Robotic Voice: Would you like me to ruin a predictable, intentionally comedic scene again?
BB: For the sake of purpose, please do.
Computer Screen: FLAGRANT ERROR. You broke it.
BB: Fucking Millenium Edition...
*cut to me going towards the door, stumbling with a doorknob*
BB: Fucking generic basic human invention...
*cut to a kitchen scene. Hitman wearing a dress is sipping tea next to an Xbox that has an open newspaper in front of it.*
Narrator: This is my Uncle Ben and Aunt Gay. After my parents joined the porn industry, everything went to hell. Mom was crushed by an elephant on her first day, and Dad got addicted to alchohol and Krispy Kreme. Ate the glazed donuts until the day he died.
*Beater walks downstairs in a slump*
Hitman(H): What's wrong, kid? Realized the DS sucks?
BB: Not today, Aunt Gay.
H: Oh, alright. Coiuld you bring home a memory card for your uncle?
BB: *under breath* 10,000 megs of memory my ass...
H: What was that?
BB: 8mb or 16mb?
H: Both.
*Beater walks outside*
Narrator: It seemed like they'd always been there. I hardly remembered them not being there. I can't remember when my parents died.
Male Voice: Approximately 13 years, 1 month, 3 days, 4 hours, 3 minutes, 26 seconds, the exact same time VGX decided to use sperm to glue his legos together.
*crickets*
Narrator: Oh. Thanks, Castle Guard.
CG: Any time. Any place. Any hidden camera. I know them all.
*BJ is being chased out of the house, being furiously groped by a man in a Buffy t-shirt*
BJ: I HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL!
Durden: I swear, just let me do it ONCE! I swear, your pubes will look JUST LIKE the 24 logo!
BJ: You know I like The Shield better!
D: NO! It's so inconsistent! The badges switch sides every episode!
*BJ pulls out a The Shield DVD. Durden hisses and flees back inside.*
Narrator: That's her life. I have mine.
*Beater is furiously shaking something. Satisfied, he heads for the bus stop. The camera zooms to a box of Sprite in the trash can, empty*
To Be Cuntinued....
_________________ Down and out, it can't be helped, but there's a lot of it about. With, without, and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
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The Slash Rockin' this party 8 days a week
Joined: 31 Jan 2004 Posts: 2298
Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 12:54 pm Post subject:
*Cut to a school scene*
Narrator: This was my hell. The field trip to the movie studio was today. Everyone was excited except me. I'd rather go to EBGames.
*me walking down a hallway*
Skater Kid to Impressionable Females: So I totally pulled an ollie off of my driveway.
Impressionable females: OMGLOLZ?!
Jock: So there I was, ready to pass to Jeff, but I totally made the decision and went for it. 25 yards, touchdown.
Other Impressionable females: LOLMG?!
*walks past a kid with a laptop, furiously typing*
Zman: PENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENIS...
*Suddenly, there are screams from the nearby gym. Girls in towels are fleeing in all directions. Beater goes to inspect*
Narrator: I often had fantasies about the girl's locker room, but now it was coming to me. Had my life changed?
*Beater peeks around the corner into the girls locker room. An air duct is broken, and a man wearing a camera and a smile is sitting on the ground*
BB: Damnit Max, Japan is about 5,000 miles that way.
*the man sulks off*
Narrator: So much for fantasies. I'll be lucky to get another erection again.
*cut to a bus scene. Beater is sitting next to a kid scratching his nuts vigorously*
Narrator: That's my best friend, Hairy Osbourne. His problem is obvious.
*BJ walks onto the bus. Shaking ensues*
Hairy: Ew, dude, not here.
BB: Stuff it, squirrelnuts.
Hairy: That was cold.
BB: Good thing you have that thick coat, then.
Hairy: That's it, fucker!
*commence girly geekfight. BJ walks past.*
BB: Damnit, now look what you did.
Hairy: Your fault.
*the bus pulls up to a movie studio. Kids are getting off. Maxwell is the driver*
BB: God damnit.
Max: Uh, you mean this ISN'T JapAir?
*A studio executive with comically large breasts walks up*
SE: Welcome to our humble studio (horrible southern drawl, terrible lisp). However, y'all need to wait outside until the movie is done, k?
Narrator: I assumed this was a safety issue. But, being a teenager, I had a penchant for breaking rules and disregarding common sense.
*BB sneaks into the studio. Commence terrible stealth scene complete with wrestling a security guard for his uniform.*
Narrator: It soon became obvious to me why we weren't let in.
*BB finds that a girl-on-girl scene is being filmed, which for the sake of irony, is between Charlotte and Rinn. This goes on for at least 45 minutes.*
Narrator: And then, it hit me.
*a man behind the camera holds up a water gun, which shoots "fake" sperm on the chicks. A misfire occurs and lands in Beater's eye*
BB: FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK! So THIS is what it's like to be slashdotted!
*cut to the outside. Security kicks Beater out for trespassing. He waits on the bus.*
*fade out, text appears, "One Hour Later".*
*wake up scene. Beater uses a student's laptop for porn. Strenuos scrubbing session*
Narrator: That's it. That's when I found out my life would never be the same again.
*commence Biojizz, much confusion on BB's part*
Work in progress.
_________________ Down and out, it can't be helped, but there's a lot of it about. With, without, and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
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The Slash Rockin' this party 8 days a week
Joined: 31 Jan 2004 Posts: 2298
Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 1:16 pm Post subject:
*BB runs from the bus into the city*
Narrator: What was happening to me? This had never happened before. I was so confused. Was it the lesbian sex? Was it the thrill of using someone else's computer for porn? Or was it...
*Beater stops and reaches for his eye. He picks away some crusted sperm*
Narrator: It hit me like a bad cliche. Something was very wrong with this sperm. I had to try again.
* Beater runs for an abandoned apartment building. Touch Me by The Doors plays as he looks down at cleavage*
Narrator: Here it comes. I didn't know what to expect. Certainly not this.
*A stream of jizz erupts out of the apartment, sticking to the opposite building. Beater looks amazed. He opens the window and sits on the windowsill*
Narrator: I didn't know what I was thinking. It was so right, and yet, so very, very wrong.
*Beater jumps and swings to the building, sticking to it with his vily disgusting hands. Commence stupid "WHOAMG I CAN SWING!" scenes of awkwardly swing through the city*
*cut to inside a McDonalds. Abby is making a cheeseburger. She picks up the mayonaise, when suddenly a streak of jizz flies through a window onto the burger. After a second, she puts down the mayo and continues making the sandwich*
*Beater stands on a roof, next to a lingerie, billboard.*
Narrator: Was it a gift? Was it a curse? Was it some strange wet dream? Who could tell? Why am I randomly asking questions again?
*scene fades into the same scene, only it's sunset and Beater is dressed in a white Spiderman outfit with a small radio. "6 Months Later".*
Radio: In other news, a man was excommunicated from Japan for repeated sexual harassment and an attempt to convince programmer Shigeru Miyamoto into making his dating simulator.
*click*
Radio:... the student was taken into police custody after they discovered his laptop he brought on his field trip was full of what appeared to be interspicies BDSM...
*click*
Radio: Police are still looking for the missing Beater Barker. Repeated attempts to phone his home were unanswered, as his aunt, Gay Dover, was busy playing Xbox Live on a dial up modem.
Narrator: All I knew was, I couldn't ever go back.
TBC.
_________________ Down and out, it can't be helped, but there's a lot of it about. With, without, and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
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Flea Puta Traidora
Joined: 17 Oct 1999 Posts: 1376 Location: SD
Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 2:25 pm Post subject:
This is the textual equivalent of taking a big, steaming, mexican food-style dump. Then walking out of the bathroom and yelling "Hey everyone, check this out!". Everybody comes over, unaware of what exactly you're talking about, and you eagerly point at the rancid log bobbing gently in the bowl.
"Isn't that awesome!?" you say.
Then one of the people at your house, who may or may not bear a striking resemblance to me, sticks you head first into that toilet bowl and swishes your head around ensuring an even coating of feces in your hair.
What I'm trying to say is, flush that shit and keep it to yourself.
Last edited by Flea on Mon Mar 28, 2005 2:32 pm; edited 1 time in total
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KO_er Incestigation Investigator
Joined: 31 May 2004 Posts: 2289 Location: Madison, WI
Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 2:32 pm Post subject:
_________________ I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar!
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The Slash Rockin' this party 8 days a week
Joined: 31 Jan 2004 Posts: 2298
Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 3:24 pm Post subject:
So you know, when I was stoned an hour or so ago, this was all fucking funny.
_________________ Down and out, it can't be helped, but there's a lot of it about. With, without, and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
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The Slash Rockin' this party 8 days a week
Joined: 31 Jan 2004 Posts: 2298
Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 3:50 pm Post subject:
Alright, yeah, let's put this next to Al's Script with "Things Never To Be Spoken Of Again."
_________________ Down and out, it can't be helped, but there's a lot of it about. With, without, and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
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Rocketlex Member since 1999
Joined: 31 Jan 2004 Posts: 5283 Location: Arpegania
Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 3:52 pm Post subject:
No, there's no going back, as I have learned too well. Just wait for it to run its course and, if necessary, leave this place and spend your days making RPs on some video game music message board somewhere...like I did.
_________________ Board City
(A fantastic comic of words!)
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The Slash Rockin' this party 8 days a week
Joined: 31 Jan 2004 Posts: 2298
Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 4:20 pm Post subject:
I dealt with it by making a new PE writeup.
_________________ Down and out, it can't be helped, but there's a lot of it about. With, without, and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
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Rocketlex Member since 1999
Joined: 31 Jan 2004 Posts: 5283 Location: Arpegania
Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 4:45 pm Post subject:
You know, it's funny. You're about the same age I was when I did my video game script...I believe.
_________________ Board City
(A fantastic comic of words!)
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