So, I had a demon in my soul...

Botch [KE] · Posted: Sun Mar 13, 2005 11:45 pm Post subject: So, I had a demon in my soul...

This past Friday evening, my world got its face rocked off.

As you may remember, I'm a student at UGA. This semester I'm taking a seminar on science, pseudoscience, religion, and how belief systems are formed. This particular seminar has two professors: Doctors Karwoski and Allen. They're both brilliant men, and Dr. Allen is a member of the Skeptic's Society at the University. The other day I was in the classroom before we got started, flipping through one of the local papers, when I came across an advertisement.

ISSAC PRATHER'S HEALING MINISTRY
THE MIRACLE CRUSADE CONTINUES
WHEELCHAIRS WILL BE EMPTIED
BLINDED EYES WILL BE OPENED
CAPTIVES WILL BE SET FREE
AIDS WILL BE HEALED

A Faith Healer. You know the people, they channel the powers of Jesus, smack you on the forehead, you fall over, and BOOM no more cancer or whatever. Naturally, I think this is all a bunch of bullshit, and I thought my professors would get a kick out of it. When they came in, I slid the paper over to them and called their attention to the article. They looked at it, and Dr. Allen looked at me and said "We should go." That hadn't even occured to me, but it was a brilliant idea. Dr. Karwoski was going to be out of town that evening, so Dr. Allen and I resolved to go as skeptics to try to evaluate the performance as scientifically as we could. I then got to thinking: you know, if we're going to evaluate these people fully, then we need someone to get the full experience. We needed someone with a skeptical mindset planted in the audience as a believer. We needed someone to be healed.

Naturally, it was me.

Now, I feel like I should put a disclaimer here. I'm an atheist and eventually I'm going to be a research scientist (ew nerd), but I was a devout Christian at one point. I feel like I can understand where Christians come from, and I'm at least sympathetic to them. However, I don't feel that I made a mockery of Christianity by doing any of what I'm about to tell you. On the contrary, I think that these faith healer assholes make fools of themselves and, by extension, Christianity. Also note that I didn't do any of this just to be a prick or just to pull a stunt. Neither my professor nor me had ever seen a faith healing in person, and we wanted to evaluate the merits of the practice. Yeah, it was fun, and it makes for an entertaining story, but that was never the point.

Now that that's out of the way, back to the story.

I needed a sickness to be cured of. I had a few to choose from: a heart murmry thing, my knees bend backwards in a freakish manner, you know, stuff. But an idea entered my head that I couldn't resist, no matter how hard I tried. So an hour before the show began, I settled down in my room and figured out my story. I was a Christian, born again a year ago having recieved a baptism. However, I had a problem, something that ate away at my confidence and kept me up at night. I wasn't walking with God. I wasn't carrying out His word. That's right: I was gay. After perfecting my "Southern Gentleman's Lisp," I left for the theatre.

I arrived at the theatre where the miracles were to take place at 6:20, and the show was scheduled to start at seven. I went up the stairs and saw three ushers. One was a (fat) teenage girl, one was a young woman in her 20's, and one was an older man in his 50's. The man asked me if I was there "to listen or to work." I told him that I "want some of what Issac's giving out. I want to get the full experience tonight." He smiled and told me to take a seat wherever I wanted. I went in, armed with a notebook and a concealed camera, and sat behind a small pole near the stage. I had a good view, but I wasn't conspicously obvious to those on stage.

But I wanted to make sure that I got called up, so I went back on and pulled the young lady usher (named Misty) aside. We sat down in a private area where I summoned all of my 9th grade drama skillz and tearfully confessed that I was, indeed, a homosexual. She held my hand and explained to me how Issac had recently healed a lesbian of her "gay sickness" and how I could be freed as well. She asked if I had recieved the Baptism of the Holy Spirit with evidence of speaking in tongues. I replied in the affirmative, not knowing what the hell she was talking about, and she confirmed that I could be healed this very night. We stood, tears in my eyes, and she hugged me (Point At Which I Almost Blew It One: She was obviously a devout Christian and she was dressed like a damn nun on casual Friday. The temptation to unhook her bra and run like hell was tough to resist, but I did). She then put her hands on my shoulders, looked into my eyes, and told me that she knew it was hard for me to confess just to her, and that it would be infinitely harder to do it in front of the whole audience. She would help me tell Isaac about my sickness. Mercifully, I kept a straight face.

She escorted me to another seat in the theatre where I was much too obvious to take any pictures. Luckily, I turned around to survey the crowd and saw that Dr. Allen had arrived and was sitting in the back. I went back to him and explained how happy I was that I was going to be healed of my homosexuality. He played along masterfully, and I managed to slip the camera to him. The lighting was horrible, but he got some pictures.

Soon, I was back in my seat and the miracle crusade began. There were two mini-sermons, and then Isaac (introduced as "The man of the hour with the Holy Ghost power") came onstage. He preached for a short while, and then invited anyone who wanted to start to walk with God to stand and be saved. I did, along with several others, and we repeated a prayer after him. A young lady near me became very emotional, crying and shaking while being saved. After the prayer was over, she collapsed into her seat and gasped about how good it felt for several minutes. Then it was time. Isaac asked if anyone wanted to be healed tonight, Misty came down and took my by the arm. Shit, here we go I thought.

To be continued after I get some ice cream.

Christian · Posted: Sun Mar 13, 2005 11:49 pm Post subject:

DAMN YOU! You cut off at the most suspenseful part. Laughing

This sounds awesome, though.

Reitz · Posted: Sun Mar 13, 2005 11:52 pm Post subject:

You sir, are a god.

Who Cares · Posted: Sun Mar 13, 2005 11:55 pm Post subject:

Oh god I quiver with delight.

DAVE · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 12:11 am Post subject:

Ice cream takes precedence.

This is going to be wicked kick ass cool no matter what happens.

Archdeco · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 12:18 am Post subject:

This is pure delight in text form. It should definately be in the Zine.

DAVE · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 12:22 am Post subject:

wtf who locked this?

Reitz · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 12:24 am Post subject:

Seriously.

(ubone SE KE · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 12:25 am Post subject:

Hold on, guys, he's not a god yet. Let's see how this ends.
_________________
I put the "bone" in "your mom"...

Dragonair · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 12:25 am Post subject:

Someone by the name o' Arch locked this.

Archdeco · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 12:26 am Post subject:

My finger slipped, and I hit stop .1 seconds afterwards. Huh.

Botch [KE] · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 1:04 am Post subject:

Alright, it was delicious and I'm back.

I followed Misty onto the stage. I was pretty nervous at the time. I couldn't stop thinking, What if I blow it? What if I -- or Dr. Allen -- just burst into laughter? I'm the first one up here and I've never been to one before, what if I do something wrong? This place is going to turn into a lynch mob if I blow my cover. My legs were shaking a little from the nervousness and from the adrenaline. The theatre was deadly silent, and Misty stepped up to Isaac. "This young man wants to be cured of homosexuality." (Point At Which I Almost Blew It Two: This was very difficult not to laugh, or at least smile, at. I managed to just nod and say "yes, praise God yes."). Isaac sort of winced, but quickly regained his composure. He said quietly to me, "Is it okay if I say it out loud?" I told him yes, and he told his assistant to step behind me.

Isaac then told me to raise my hands in the air and look up to God. I repeated a prayer after him so that the whole audience could hear. I can't remember the exact text, but it was something like "Oh God, I live to give glory to You and to Your name. I want to walk with You, to be right with You and live with Your son Jesus Christ in my heart for the rest of my life. Oh God, forgive me my sins and my trespasses. Free me, oh Lord, from the bondage of homosexuality." (Point At Which I Really, Really Almost Blew It Three: Ever stood on stage with your hands the air reciting a prayer in which you've got to shout that you're gay when you're really not and, hell, you're not even a theist? It's hard. ) I shouted my prayer to the rafters, up all the way to Kingdom Come. It echoed in the theatre, even as my voice wavered and cracked from the strong emotions that I was faking. Dr. Allen would later tell me that the strength of my emotional prayer had brought a few people in the audience to tears. At the conclusion of my confession, Isaac shouted "FIRE OF JESUS!!!" and hit me on the forehead. I collapsed into his assistant's arms, suprised.

Let's make something clear: this whole business about falling over when you're hit by the spirit is crazy talk. Remember how I said my legs were shaky? That had a lot to do with it. I had been standing on stage looking up to God for a while, all the time being blinded by a stage light. I was already seeing purple blobs and getting a little disoriented. When Isaac pushed me on the forehead I stumbled backwards a little from the force. His assistant stepped into me, caught me, and then very quickly stepped away. I was going down, and that bastard was taking me there. I hit the stage hard and squarely on my ass.

I got up and Isaac asked me to explain to the audience what had just happened to me. I used my best Southern Gent's Lisp to explain how I felt this energy moving through me and then, all of a sudden, it was like there had been a haze in front of my eyes all my life and it was now gone. I was basically just trying to remember the lyrics to Amazing Grace and paraphrasing them. After my testimonial, I thought It's over, you did it, you kept a straight face through all of it and now you can go sit down and take notes. Then you can get out of here and go get a brandy Alexander to wash all that Jesus out.

I was so, so wrong.

I took a step over to the podium to get my notebook and go back to my seat when I felt Isaac's hand on my arm. He turned me to face him and looked dead into my eyes. He explained to me how homsexuality was a sickness not of the body, but of the soul (how bigoted is this guy?). It wasn't my fault. I was chained down by my burden, and he wanted to set me free. Wait a minute, wasn't I set free just now? WTF mate?. He explained what caused homosexuality in the first place: a demon clinging to the soul, contaminating it and making it unclean and unworthy of God's saving grace. So that I could be truly saved and truly healed, he was going to perform an exorcism on me.

Shit.

Isaac asked if I was ready and I replied that I was. He told me to look into his eyes, and I did. He then grabbed my face, pulled our noses to about four inches apart, and started screaming at me. "DEVIL BE GONE! LEAVE THIS BOY! BACK TO HELL WITH YOU, SATAN! FIRE OF JESUS FIRE OF JESUS FIRE OF JESUS!" I tried to pull back or look away because there was Holy Spit involved in this exorcism, but he made sure I couldn't do that. "DEMON BE GONE FROM THIS BOY'S SOUL," he said, and suddenly released me. A split second later he fire of Jesus'd me in the forehead again and I stumbled backwards. Damnit, I did not want to go down again, so I kept my footing. All I got for my efforts were two more fire of Jesusings. I decided that to end this I would have to hit the stage again, and so I did. With many fake, trembling breaths and a falsely shaking body, I went down to the floor. But it didn't end. He rained down fire of Jesus on me until I was curled up into a tiny ball on stage exclaiming "Praise God, oh Praise God, hallelujah, thank you Jesus!" Finally, he stopped pummeling me with God.

I rose, trying my best to shake and gasp with exhaustion. He again asked me to explain to the audience how I felt. I said that "It...it...oh God, oh Lord, it was like, like I was chained and now I'm not. I'm free, I've been set free!" Cheers erupted from the audience.

Isaac said that yes, I had been freed, I had been tied down by the chains of homosexuality and now I was set loose from them. Overcome with joy at my transformation, we embraced. (Points At Which I Almost Blew It Four And Five: I entertained a fantasty of shouting "I NEED A WOMAN!" after being healed, but managed to keep it in. Much more difficult to suppress was the desire to give Isaac's ass a good hard squeeze during this hug, followed by a mad dash to my car. I decided that was a Very Bad Idea.). I was finally allowed to go back to my seat.

Along the way, a man with a camera stopped me and asked my name. He was obviously a reporter of some kind, and I assumed that he was the PR guy for Isaac's ministry. I gave him a false name (Jeff Barnett, my alter ego), and sat down. Isaac then healed a woman with bone cancer (interestingly, he told her to go back to her doctor and have the tests done again to prove that he had, in fact, healed her -- way to cover his ass). Seeing that nobody else wanted to be healed, he pointed to the young woman who had gotten emotional during the saving prayer and brought her onto the stage. He told her that she had a calling to be a minister. She told him that she was an alcoholic. He stuttered for a moment, repeated his assertation, and told her to go forth and spread the Word. Nice, Isaac, nice.

After that, it was over and they asked that we donate at the door on the way out. I stood to leave, but then turned and went back to the reporter. I asked if he was with the minstry, and he said no, he was a reporter for the Athens Banner-Herald. At this point I dropped the fake lisp, told him my real name, my purpose in being there, and gave him my email address so that we could correspond about why the whole thing was a bunch of shit.

I then turned to leave and meet up with my professor to discuss all that had happened. On the way out people kept grabbing my coat and saying "God Bless you," "That was so touching," "You're walking with God now, brother," and the like. Someone even shouted "GOD BESS YOU" across the theatre to me. At the door to the stairs, and almost home free, I felt one more hand grab my arm. It was Misty, the usher who had helped me "confess."

She pulled me aside and looked at me with a tear in her eye. I felt genuinely sorry for her: this was her life. She had put all of her faith into it, and it's just not real. If this was taken from her, she would crumble, and she really does care. She's just so misguided that she can't see it. I thought to myself, One good sodomizing would straighten her right up. She said, "If you ever need someone to pray for you, or just someone to talk to..." and put a piece of paper in my hand. She then hugged me again, (Point At Which I Almost Blew It Six: I really would have liked to have said "You know, now that I'm all fixed up, wink wink nudge nudge bang bang," but again I refrained.) and we parted ways.

I looked at the paper on my way out. It said :

"God has a plan for your life don't let Satan interfere.
Misty
(her phone number here)
Isaac Prather Ministries"

I met up with my professor and we went to a bar where he bought me a drink and we talked about science, pseudoscience, and religion for two hours or so. After that, I drove him home (finding, ironically, that someone had written "You're Gay" in the pollen on my car). Later, I went to Waffle House with some friends to discuss the evening. Everyone agreed: it's all bullshit.

The end.

Dunkinbean · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 1:11 am Post subject:

You sir win the webernets.

Who Cares · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 1:12 am Post subject:

That's completely wonderful.

Christian · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 1:13 am Post subject:

Words cannot describe the respect I have for you right now.

Reitz · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 1:15 am Post subject:

I'm speechless

Botch [KE] · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 1:41 am Post subject:

Haha, thanks guys, I did my best.

Oh, I forgot to mention something. One of my best friends is gay, and when I told him about this he thought it was the funniest damn thing he had ever heard. He's agreed to call Misty (oh she shouldn't have given me her phone number) posing as my ex-lover and bitch her out for taking his man away. I don't know if it'll happen, but I'm hoping that sometime this week I can go down to his college and we can carry it out.

Reitz · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 1:58 am Post subject:

Oh God that would rock so hard.

KO_er · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 2:21 am Post subject:

Botch, that is the coolest story I've heard in ages. You fucking rock.
_________________
I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar!

Ninjew · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 2:33 am Post subject:

fuck

That was amazing. A++
_________________

(ubone SE KE · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 2:59 am Post subject:

Keep us updated on the reporter and the Misty situations.

Wouldn't it be funny if someone you knew from high school or whatever was in the audience and thinks you're gay now? And THAT's who wrote "You're gay" on your car?

All in all, you kick ass.
_________________
I put the "bone" in "your mom"...

Christian · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 3:01 am Post subject:

Am I the only one who thinks Misty sounds hot?

Tempest [KE] · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 3:03 am Post subject:

SOMEONE needs to shop "Fire of Jesus!" right now.

I don't care how.
_________________

(ubone SE KE · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 3:11 am Post subject:

Tempest [KE] · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 3:15 am Post subject:

I had to buy a NEW fucking PS2 today cause my old one finally shit the bed.

All my money I JUST FUCKING GOT is all gone now.
_________________

Keiran · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 4:04 am Post subject:

i almost skullfucked a moose Props my man. I myself am a christian, and I heartily agree, these guys are hard core BS sellers. Talkign in tounges and miraculous healings were granted to the apostles in the old testament, these guys are as phoney as can be. Talking in tougnes was so that anyone of any language coudl understand the speaker... and they translate that as no one but the speaker being able to translate wha they are saying? 0__0 My family and I went to a church liekt hat once and after the first smack on the forhead, we were up and otu of there. Crazy stuff

The Cabbage · Member since 1999 Joined: 09 Oct 1999 Posts: 3698

The hoaxers themselves deserve a good FIRE OF JESUS across the forehead. But leave the poor girl alone.

But otherwise, yes, awesome.
_________________
I got ants in my pants and I need to dance.

Keiran · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 4:23 am Post subject:

Yeah I second that. Screw with that guy all you like, but the girl... that poor girl

Tempest [KE] · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 4:24 am Post subject:

_________________

drewnb · **cochinillo** Joined: 21 Nov 1999 Posts: 1640

Isaac's website:
http://www.endlessmiracles.com/

Well, what do you know. He has his own site. And get this, he paid someone to 'design' that site.

And according to this article:
http://www.athensworld.com/article.php/prather_miracle_crusade
he indeed has a young blonde woman leading people to the stage to be healed.
_________________
[B][78][F5][FF][K]

Charlotte KE · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 7:38 am Post subject:

Amazing.

So it's a demon and a sickness of the mind, eh? Now I have a reason to go back to church!

"Hey, aren't you a lesbian?"
"No, sir, I am just under demonic posession!"

Reitz · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 7:39 am Post subject:

It's too late for you, Char. You're going to Hell.

Charlotte KE · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 7:47 am Post subject:

Lesbian hell. It's different from you mortals version of hell. It's populated by women lumberjacks and cut-off shorts.

Reitz · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 7:50 am Post subject:

Wouldn't lesbian hell be full of like, high school jocks or something?

Charlotte KE · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 7:57 am Post subject:

I don't know, really. My lesbian hell would be full of butchy women and cut off shorts. I'd never get any tail again.

I have to go take my sister to school, we'll discuss lesbian hell later, greg

The Slash · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 8:12 am Post subject:

Being a Christian, I'd normally be pissed off at this, but I can't stand fundies, so good job on this one.
_________________
Down and out, it can't be helped, but there's a lot of it about. With, without, and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?

Efreit · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 8:32 am Post subject:

_________________
i got soul but im not a soldier

XD · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 8:50 am Post subject:

Kickass story.

I don't EVER think I'd bring myself to do this though, you are one brave man.

Patty - 07 · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 6:23 pm Post subject:

That is the most amazing story ever. So, if a Minister started a massive gay bash, would he heal all of the "impure souls?"
_________________
"I felt guilty once, but she woke up half-way through..." - Quagmire

In His Likeness

Rocketlex · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 8:18 pm Post subject:

That was indtensely awesome. I think the only thing which could have made it more awesome would have been if you'd used "Max OMG I CAN'T SPELL FICHTL" as your fake name.
_________________
Board City
(A fantastic comic of words!)

Tony Knightcrawler · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 9:13 pm Post subject:

Best. Story. Ever. I don't think I could have held it together at all for something like that. I'm a pretty good actor, but I would just bust up laughing after a minute or two. Anyway, I am inspired to make crap.

BTW You should leave the girl alone.

DAVE · Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 9:27 pm Post subject:

You people and your ethics. HALARITY WILL ENSUE.

Make sure your friend calls her up.

The Slash · Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 12:26 pm Post subject:

Wait a sec.

Filtch. OMG I CAN'T SPELL FICHTL. Fitchtl. Flitch.

You crazy kids and your filters.
_________________
Down and out, it can't be helped, but there's a lot of it about. With, without, and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?

Krono · Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 3:22 pm Post subject:

That was probably one of the saddest things I've ever read.

Absolut JJtH · Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 11:41 pm Post subject:

I could never keep a straight face through all that.

Assassin · Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 5:28 am Post subject:

That is the most awesome thing in the history of ever. Call the girl.

Rinn · Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 12:14 pm Post subject:

The dude looks like a tool.