We knew it'd happen eventually. We knew the Swirve board system was staying online half a decade after it stopped being profitable only at the nostalgic whim of its owner, Mehul. But it didn't make it any easier. The announcement was made that Swirve and Utopia were being bought out by OMAC and the boards erased. There was spamming, panicking, and finally acceptance. The four remaining active boardsets got their affairs in order, and Fletcher made a full backup on the day of deletion. It was our first home, and its style was unlike anything else on the net, then and now. We knew it inside and out, and one day we'll bring it back, on our terms. But until then, July 11 will be a day of remembrance.

Lauren has had a, let's say, colorful history with us. All sorts of words can be used to describe her, but it is perhaps simpler to say that every once in a while she needs to shush up and take a break from trolling us. The most recent vacation happened because she was hounding Joe, who was having one of his "bad days," where he's liable to lash out at anyone. A simple bit of annoyance and disinterest in a song Joe wrote was all it took for the Italian powder keg to blow. Everyone was generally tired with how Lauren had been acting, and so the garden-variety dramabomb turned into a hilarious aside where Matt crowned himself emperor of the board, banned Lauren and had statues erected in commemoration of the event. For two whole weeks she remained banned, and Khakain got some peace and quiet. Lauren was better for it as well; she returned a little more subdued.

The Squirtles had never seen harder times. Half their remaining members had formed a group dedicated to trolling them. They knew their number was up. Slowly, they began to post on Khakain. First was Orky, and then Cubone and Stringer, and finally Dratini. All four of them were great and integrated seamlessly with Khakain while still maintaining their own identity. Their example paved the way for Cookie, and Katey, and Starr, and Synbios, and Screw, and all the other Squirtles that are now Khakainers. These two boards that used to think of each other as enemies, or at least as uncool nerds, came together to find that they made each other better just by being around one another.

Just hearing the name makes you squirm a little, doesn't it? Where do you start? What wretched thing do I dredge up first? She took control of the AIM chat singlehandedly, forcing everyone to IRC. She outposted Nick Nack at his peak. She gave blowjobs for algebra homework. She made all Khakain women ashamed for their gender. She got us so riled up our response was to ban her from the internet entirely. Her reign lasted three frigging months. She provided nudes. Some or all of these things are true. One thing is certain; The Princess of Khakain, possibly the most hated person in our history, has burned that stupid grin into our eyeballs.

Max Fichtl reopened a forum for his sites. Our minds were aflutter with the implications; a new Khakain! We always wanted a little brother! Had we stopped to think for a moment, we would have remembered that Fichtl hadn't updated any of his sites in years, and the only people remaining to view it were die-hards, or children that googled "zelda." What arose was essentially a Video Gamer X fan club. All dissenting opinions were edited or deleted, leaving only praise for Almighty Jesus Christ. Frankly, I think this was done knowing how we would react. It was morbid curiosity on Fichtl's part to see how far our two sides would go. It was the first and only thing to truly bring Khakain together with other boards in solidarity. HTLOZ and Squirtle both had scores to settle with Fichtl, and The Blue Deamon even helped out. It was unfortunate that it ended with such an anti-climax; the server dying due hitting the bandwidth cap was not a good way for them to go. Ultimately, the only person that won was Toby Dillman. He got a "Get Out of Khakain Drama Free" card.

He was always so happy. Nobody suspects the happy ones. When the "Nerd vs. Anti-Nerd" fiasco hit, in Lynk's mind the board was splitting in half and would soon separate. We "came back from the brink" as it were, but to him we were irreparably changed, and he could no longer abide our company. He made a long FYIL post and requested that his adminship be taken away. He requested it, because he knew he wanted to do something that would make enemies out of us. After we "hounded him" on AIM and on his Gamefaqs thread, we obviously left him with no other choice. He deleted the entire Odyssey, removing about a month's worth of posts permanently. Khakain was forced to slum it at the old Desperadoes board for a few days while backups were restored. Lynk resigned himself to a life of Random Insanity. We must NEVER FORGET December 11.

If you've been living under a rock, Habbo Hotel is a social site that also functions as a trolling paradise. The concept of messing with its denizens is so universally tantalizing, its popularity singlehandedly made 4chan mainstream. Khakain, however, found it only a few months after it opened, long before 4chan. Back then there was very little security, and the concept of dancing around people in circles was still novel. Most of the board participated at least once in the misadventures, armies of clones were made, and Stringer would devise numerous hacks and design many apartments in this months-long campaign. The hero of the war, however, was Saint Kalimdel. He formed the Knights of Lumbar proper, an honorable troll army that exists to this day. Our presence was so commanding we even converted locals to our cause. Khakain and the Hotel have both changed greatly, but we are still here, and our uneasy truce is little more than a temporary cease-fire. We will go back some day.

It is no secret that Khakain has developed a culture of “all talk, no action”. Countless half-finished projects litter the intricate e-corridors that make up the community, which is why it came as such a surprise to all concerned when Tazor announced, on the 3rd of September 2008, that he had resurrected the old ‘Zine idea and had given it legs. Immediately, a team jumped on board – Efreit, as Co-editor, Dunkinbean as Webmaster, and Charlie and Absolut JJtH as Staff Writers. It wasn’t long before The Deadbeat was up and running, with its own domain and a modest legion of adoring fans. Breakthrough success and an internship with Cracked helped Efreit steer traffic in The Deadbeat’s direction, which begun to peak at around 5,000 views a day – impressive, for a website that started from nothing and relied heavily on current affairs for humor. Like all good things, however, The Deadbeat went out with a whimper as most of those involved found that juggling outside commitments whilst still updating the website every day was becoming more of a chore than a joy. And that, as they say, was that – Khakain’s first successful project… sort of.

Do you remember when VGX was an enigma? When he tried to tantalize us with facts about himself on a string? Those were simpler times. Simpler times blown to bits by Matt. VGX had made a Myspace, and Matt found it. Suddenly, we knew everything; Veeg was a guy in his thirties that still dressed like he was in high school, and he cosplayed using only store bought costumes. Okay, so it FELT like everything at the time. But once and for all, the mystery was gone. There was a short but enthusiastic push to try and trick him with a Myspace of "Candace Larren" but it didn't pan out. More importantly, VGX started foregoing all pretense and let us in on all the minutia of his life accompanied by lots of pictures we all wish we could unsee. It was still worth it for that night of discovery, though. It was the night VGX the former admin died.

If I wanted to, I could probably write up a top 100 Boardcon moments. I could certainly go on for longer than this space allows about the experience of it, about how meeting people I had known from the internet was like meeting old friends and didn't involve any awkwardness. Or I could write about how the planning and fallout from cons now consumes us, 365 days a week, and how they brought a fundamental change in how we behave around each other on the board. Ultimately, Boardcon is #1 because this is a list of nerdy things that we do on the internet. But meeting 20 of my friends, all of whom are friends with each other, to go to Vegas, or Chicago, or San Francisco? Between that and a bunch of internet silliness, there is no competition, and coming from this turtle that is a big admission. I miss you guys.