Let's talk about the opposite sex

[Hitman]

I'm curious where everyone's at as far as relationships go. Have your tastes changed as you've gotten older?

I can tell you that my preferences have changed dramatically and nowadays I find smart girls way more attractive than hot dummies. Relationship wise I'm single... at least as far as I'm concerned I am. I'm kind of in a weird place where I've been talking to one girl and only one girl because I just don't have time to go out and date. I wouldn't say we're dating and we haven't talked about exclusivity but she's very girlfriend-ish in terms of how she acts. For instance she'll message me every day and say goodnight before bed and get all mushy but I swear I have not made a single commitment to her so I don't think I'm being a dick by saying I'm single. She did get weird about the whole Qatar thing though so I don't know what to think about that.

Another thing I've noticed is that nowadays I just don't give a fuck. I used to be so concerned about my girlfriends and women were such a high priority but over time it's become an afterthought. I know I'll get married eventually and I used to feel like I had to rush it because my parents were pressuring me but at the same time I didn't want to get married to anyone. After a while I realized that there's no such thing as the perfect person so you kinda got to go with the flow..

I know a couple of you are close to getting married which is pretty awesome. And I also know that others are getting laid on the regular which is even more awesome (am I right or what?? hit me up top!!). So what's the deal? Where are you guys at?

[~*~Zelda1~*~]

I haven't been dating lately because I've been sick for 3 weeks straight and also apartment hunting, which is a full time job in SF. I finally got one, signing lease Monday and moving next weekend. I deactivated my online dating profile for now and haven't really kept up previous conversations.

As for my tastes, they've gotten a little broader. I've got a few deal breaker type things, but most other things are irrelevant when I may have given them more consideration before. I still tend to have a physical type, but I've dated guys who don't fit it as well.

And for your girl Koosh, I would say if she wants to have the exclusivity talk, she should bring it up. I would also act as single if the talk had not been had.

Now that I know I don't want kids, I feel no rush to get married (if I even do).

[Dragonair]

And here I was expecting a Hitman thread about gender norms and/or a discussion of feminism.

Silly me!

[~*~Zelda1~*~]

I suppose this may alienate our gay members... so there's that.

[Hitman]

I faked you out. Don't worry this thread will probably end up being a discussion about one of those things.

And it's funny cause I was about to post another one about homosexuality (not about me -- sorry to disappoint deco). Stay tuned!

[Hitman]

Congrats on finding a place Abby. Are you feeling better now? 3 weeks is a long time to be sick...

Speaking of deal breakers, one other thing I've been trying to figure out is whether or not I'm should disclose my drug history to people I date. Obviously it's something I should eventually share (probably..) but so far it hasn't worked out well when I've done that and not in the way you might think. One girl had no problem with it but didn't give a fuck about my privacy. The other girl ended up being interested in trying drugs and that didn't end well at all. So fuck it, I'm keeping that shit to myself from now on and I don't care if it's selfish. When I'm sober most people would never guess that I even ever smoked weed so I'm pretty good at playing the square

[~*~Zelda1~*~]

I feel good today, throat is still sore and still coughing after deep breaths. I have faith in my doctor figuring it out, even if at a snail's pace. Thanks for asking.

You could always disclose it later in the relationship? Is it a history or a current thing?

[Hitman]

It's history. I don't even drink anymore unless it's a special occasion. But with that said it's one of those things the other person deserves to know if the relationship gets serious

[Hitman]

Your doctor doesn't know what it is?

[~*~Zelda1~*~]

It's history. I don't even drink anymore unless it's a special occasion. But with that said it's one of those things the other person deserves to know if the relationship gets serious

There you go.

She doesn't know yet. Nobody should have a cold for 3 weeks. And I had some major exhaustion, even after doing nothing. Today is ok. Plus, some levels are off on blood tests.

[Hitman]

Hmm that's weird. Hopefully it's nothing but it's good that you're looking into it. Do you mean like your iron levels and stuff like that? Were you eating okay leading up to getting sick?

It must of sucked feeling like that for so long.

[Orky]

I really don't see how your past drug history would be relevant to any current relationship. Unless you got some STDs and you need to clarify that it's from drug use and not being gay for pay.

[Efreit]

It really annoys me when people pretend to be ignorant of another person's expectations and desires. If you think she wants to be your girlfriend, and is acting like your girlfriend, don't be obtuse and ask her out. Unless you don't want her to be your girlfriend, in which case be careful not to lead her on.

In the case that you want just sex out of it, but she wants more and you aren't willing to give her that, be a man and let her move on. Her feelings should be important to you either way.

I don't know your circumstances but I see this a lot in people around me and it pisses me off.

Human relationships can often be easy if you think of the other person!

[loller]

I agree. It's pretty obvious what she wants. She's displaying all of the signs, and if you're in the right state of mind to recognize it, deal with it. Just because she isn't outright saying it doesn't mean she can't handle it or doesn't want it.

[Hitman]

But guys I've been completely honest with her..  She knows that there's a good chance I'm moving in a few months and we both know long distance isn't gonna happen.  If I was cheating on her it'd be one thing (even though you could argue it wouldn't be cheating)  but I think I've been honest and up front. I do care about her obviously but I don't get why it's up to me to try to figure out whether or not she's at a different place than I am as far as the relationship goes

[TurboEmu]

When not at work lately, I have been otherwise really busy watching Netflix. No dating.

[loller]

I don't think it's your job to think about that, but you made it sound like you were already fairly certain she was in that place.

[riss]

there's a good chance I'm moving in a few months

Are you actually moving or what?

Sometimes I think 90% of your threads are just asking questions about things you've already decided on anyway. That or the answer is really obvious.

[Hitman]

Well I can tell yyou that my Qatar thread and your responses about human rights over there made me seriously second guess this decision. At this point I'm on the fence but it's still very tempting I would literally pay off all my debt in less than a year. But it's not for sure

[loller]

My response was only in reaction to your seemingly unfettered adoration. I still said you should go for a short time to experience it, make the money, and catch the travel bug.

[Empress Oriana]

Yeah couldn't you just go and work long enough to pay of all your debts an have a life experience  you'll always remember and then just bail before shit gets real

[Hitman]

I could... I guess I'm worried I'll go and stay longer because a lot of people don't come back for a while. But then again I guess there's a reason for that

[just taz]

yeah theyre enslaved

[loller]

Hahahahaha.

[Hitman]

fuck you taz

that was a sharp response and I hate you for it

[Disco]

I'm fighting a war on laziness on enough fronts as it is. For me to divert the time, energy, and cash to a girl at this time, she would have to be unrealistically amazing and likely have to piledrive me through a flaming table to get the message across in the first place. My libido has gone on holiday.


By the way, sharing a bed? Overrated. I should've let those poor bedbugs stay.

[archdeco]

I'm fighting a war on laziness on enough fronts as it is. For me to divert the time, energy, and cash to a girl at this time, she would have to be unrealistically amazing and likely have to piledrive me through a flaming table to get the message across in the first place. My libido has gone on holiday.

Yesssssss. Embrace the dark side. Join us.

[Dratini SE]

I've dated a few guys over the summer, liked one but it wasn't mutual so I'm back on the OKcupid horse. Meh.

[(ubone SE KE]

Marriage is the best. 

[Hitman]

Yeah nothing like not having to try anymore.

[hekkel]

I wouldn't say my tastes have changed, but my priorities certainly have.  Now that I'm thirty, "is she hot" and "is she crazy" are considerations of equal weight.

[Hitman]

Yeah no kidding. So many crazy ass bitches out there

[hekkel]

And a lot of them are really hot.

[Hitman]

What's your acceptable hot to crazy ratio?

[hekkel]

These days I tolerate zero craziness, but I will abide a short duration of slightly irrational behavior if she's about to get her period.  While we're on the subject, have you noticed that a lot of the time the crazier a girl is, the longer she will take to show it?  That's some scary shit right there. 

[Dratini SE]

This "crazy" thing seems kind of like a cheap shot. What kind of crazy are we talking about here? Like angry crazy or "needs medication" crazy?

[TurboEmu]

I think by and large when most men talk about women being crazy it has to do with unrealistic expectations for a relationship. 

Personally, I really have enjoyed my time spent single and it has given me a lot of perspective.  So many women just go floating from relationship to relationship from puberty onwards they never develop a personality or sense of self.  This leads to them the derive self-worth from whoever they're dating at the time and the "success" of that relationship- success being how much time your significant other wants to spend with you and how quickly the relationship progresses down what they feel is the only path for adult women- marriage.

I have seen far too many otherwise perfectly healthy relationships get stupid because dudes have hobbies and want quality time with other people that doesn't involve their girlfriends. 

[Princess Zelda]

I have hardly any dating experience. I dated Glen for about 5 months and we broke up at the end of July when he moved back to Windsor for school (4 hour drive from Toronto). His mom works there so he gets free tuition and wanted to upgrade his diploma. He told me this in April, but I still wanted to date him because I liked his company, for the most part. We still talk every day, but I haven't really gone on dates since he left. We met on OKC and I didn't really enjoy going on dates with the people I met there, mostly turned out to be a waste of time and money, but I might try again in the near future. It is a time-consuming process and tiring to boot.

I recently became re-acquainted with a friend of mine and we've hung out a couple times over the past few weeks and are making plans for this Saturday, but I get the vibe that he isn't interested. I would be way too shy to initiate anything (I never initiate first), especially when I get platonic vibes from him. I could be just paranoid. It's cool though, still getting to know him. He has an adorable cat who I like to play with so I would want to stay friends :p

The 'crazy' labels really bothers me. It's like the default adjective that men use when they can't understand the female's perspective. It's a dismissive, insensitive, and lazy thing to say.

[hekkel]

You guys are so defensive!  Men can be crazy too.  I'm talking about things like flipping out, screaming and throwing things, being overly jealous, going through your phone or emails or Facebook, lying, trying to provoke you into arguments, being controlling or manipulative, and a whole host of other unpleasant things.  Those examples are common forms of craziness I've experienced, but people do even crazier shit than that... Poking holes in condoms, slashing tires, physical violence, etc (I've experienced none of those things, thank God).  It has nothing to do with not understanding a female's perspective.  And even if it did, I don't give a damn about the perspective of a female that pulls any of the shit I've mentioned here, because there is no perspective that will excuse any of these behaviors.

[Starr]

The 'crazy' labels really bothers me. It's like the default adjective that men use when they can't understand the female's perspective. It's a dismissive, insensitive, and lazy thing to say.

I agree, but I'm editing my post since Devin was kind enough to provide some examples.  I usually don't hear guys back up that statement with specificity.  I infer it means a woman getting super-emotional or starting a fight over something minor, or getting pissed off when you have other things to do besides hang out with her.  Men can be this way too.

Some women do test men.  Like thinking he should do everything for her, or giving him the silent treatment til she gets a trinket, or making him beg for sex.  I had this redneck female coworker once that was always talking about how her boyfriend "failed that test!"  I usually sided with the guy and pissed her off.  That bitch was nuts about all kinds of things (and I don't use those terms lightly).  Once after a fight she stole his credit card while he was sleeping, and brought it to work and sat there buying shit for herself from Amazon.  She bought us pizza with it too, but damn.

[Starr]

Here is my somewhat reluctant contribution to this discussion. 

I am an illiterate piece of shit: I am happy with the road I'm on, and cool with other people not taking it.
Let's not get all

with each other.

I wasn’t going to post in this thread at all, because I’m sure most of you probably don’t want to hear it.  I don’t feel that I have to justify my life decisions.  But I’ll offer my perspective.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I have quite the dating record.  I could be called a somewhat “serial monogamist”, I suppose.  I've also had lengthy spells of singledom and it was a blast! Girls Nights Out, Alone Time In, Random Hookups, etc.  But when it comes to getting certain needs fulfilled, I find that I would MUCH rather be intimate with someone who actually cares about me.

I am very content in my relationship.  I didn’t get married because “it was that time” or because “it was expected”.  I did it because I wanted to. Things just clicked into place and my intuition told me to go for it.  My husband is my best friend, and has done nothing but make my life better since he entered it.  Truthfully, my development into adulthood had been stymied.  I wanted better for myself than what I had but did not see any way to make that happen.  Such is the rut of generational poverty.  My husband gave me a road map to help me level up, which is an ongoing process. 

I also feel a great deal of satisfaction related to branching out from my fucked up family.  Take that as you will.  It was a huge relief to shed my absentee, deadbeat father’s last name.  I took Rand’s name as a show of unity, but it also helps me to dissociate from their dysfunction.   

We have lots of fun, we have our issues, we bicker like little kids, and we work well together.  But having lives and hobbies outside of “us” is crucial.  We are not each other’s keeper or warden.  Maybe it’s because we were both only-children, so we can always play by ourselves.  I have heard from many people that not everyone does this.  Some people have a hard time entertaining themselves, or have some lack of trust that makes them want to be together all the time, I guess.

That brings me to this Captain Obvious statement: Everyone is different!  Not everyone feels that marriage is the end-game, or even the best way to solidify a relationship.  Quite a few of those people are at this very board.  Good for them!  As your friend, I can promise you that I will never be the type to ask you if you’re seeing anyone.  I know you’ll tell me.  I will never tell you that “Mr./Ms. Right/True Wuv is out there for you!”.  I will never try to set you up with someone simply because you both have being single in common. We live in an individualistic society—do what is best for YOU.  You’ll face plenty of scrutiny from those who are unable to think outside the box, no matter what you do.  I get it often enough for my lack of desire to have children, when that decision does not affect anyone outside of this household. (Except maybe my family and I will never have the heart to tell them they are a huge factor in that decision.)

All that said, if my marriage does not work out, I can at least say it was the right thing to do at the time and we gave it a damn good try.  (I don’t think I’ll want to do this again though—unless it’s to Dav3.)  Marriage makes you vulnerable; it tests your strengths and weaknesses.  Pick your battles.  It’s one thing to snag that mate, and another to keep them.  For me, it’s completely worth the effort.   Don't take my word for it though.  I'm just starting out and I know fuckall.

It will be cool to look back on this thread in a few years and see where I stand then.

[hekkel]

That's some awesomely radical shit, Starr.  I am very happy for you.  By the way, me and Erin have a deadbeat dad club.  We are always looking for new members....

[Starr]

Shit, I could have been a founding member!

[~*~Zelda1~*~]

Starr that was amazing!

So glad you're happy.

[Princess Zelda]

You guys are so defensive!  Men can be crazy too.  I'm talking about things like flipping out, screaming and throwing things, being overly jealous, going through your phone or emails or Facebook, lying, trying to provoke you into arguments, being controlling or manipulative, and a whole host of other unpleasant things.  Those examples are common forms of craziness I've experienced, but people do even crazier shit than that... Poking holes in condoms, slashing tires, physical violence, etc (I've experienced none of those things, thank God).  It has nothing to do with not understanding a female's perspective.  And even if it did, I don't give a damn about the perspective of a female that pulls any of the shit I've mentioned here, because there is no perspective that will excuse any of these behaviors.

I've experienced all of that (minus the stuff I struck through) with a dude. Craziness does not know gender.

[Hitman]

The girls are definitely getting offended by the crazy comment but here's the thing... you can tell who's crazy by dating a "non-crazy" girl because they do exist.

And by crazy I don't personally mean someone who's eccentric or emotional. Everyone is like that to an extent and I personally prefer an interesting girl over a boring one. BUT if you play ridiculous mind games, if you're insecure as hell and you're constantly testing your significant other then you're in that crazy category. If you're like my ex and you'll login to my facebook account and try to pickup random girls and then get mad at me when it works then you're crazy. If you tell me you're okay with me hanging out with the guys but really you expect me to know that you're not then you're crazy. If you like to complain about all your problems literally all the time but never want to talk about solutions then you're... well, you're a girl.

[hekkel]

You guys are so defensive!  Men can be crazy too.  I'm talking about things like flipping out, screaming and throwing things, being overly jealous, going through your phone or emails or Facebook, lying, trying to provoke you into arguments, being controlling or manipulative, and a whole host of other unpleasant things.  Those examples are common forms of craziness I've experienced, but people do even crazier shit than that... Poking holes in condoms, slashing tires, physical violence, etc (I've experienced none of those things, thank God).  It has nothing to do with not understanding a female's perspective.  And even if it did, I don't give a damn about the perspective of a female that pulls any of the shit I've mentioned here, because there is no perspective that will excuse any of these behaviors.

I've experienced all of that (minus the stuff I struck through) with a dude. Craziness does not know gender.

Yes, Shaila.  I know.  I thought it was obvious that the reason I was talking about crazy girls is I am heterosexual and that's where my experience is.  It didn't occur to me that someone might misinterpret this as a suggestion that every man on the planet is emotionally and mentally stable and only girls are crazy because they are the inferior gender, and then accuse me of saying something dismissive, insensitive, and lazy.

Then again, this is Khakain, so not realizing that was probably my bad..

[Hitman]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg[/youtube]

[~*~Zelda1~*~]

Sometimes you do just want them to listen!

Not everything has a solution.

[hekkel]

The girls are definitely getting offended by the crazy comment but here's the thing... you can tell who's crazy by dating a "non-crazy" girl because they do exist.

And by crazy I don't personally mean someone who's eccentric or emotional. Everyone is like that to an extent and I personally prefer an interesting girl over a boring one. BUT if you play ridiculous mind games, if you're insecure as hell and you're constantly testing your significant other then you're in that crazy category. If you're like my ex and you'll login to my facebook account and try to pickup random girls and then get mad at me when it works then you're crazy. If you tell me you're okay with me hanging out with the guys but really you expect me to know that you're not then you're crazy. If you like to complain about all your problems literally all the time but never want to talk about solutions then you're... well, you're a girl.

This is the best post you've ever made.